Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
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Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
had to make it
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Put the is in disheveled
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.