My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Stop it! 😂
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE