Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
You Might Also Like
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
After 35, your body ages in dog years
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week