My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
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My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
🤣🤣💀
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Mmmm canned fish.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Sharon, call the vet
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me