Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
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im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.