Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
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Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?