My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
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Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.