When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
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ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what