cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
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My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
The smoothest fall of all time
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend