My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
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I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
that lip filler tho
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.