Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.