[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
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nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese