Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
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make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.