A friend sent me this.
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Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.