Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
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Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.