this is the most humiliating day of my life
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I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
God has left this place
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?