Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
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Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
They’re on their honeymoon
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?