Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
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Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
How about I get 100% off by already being there