I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
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“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..