Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
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That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Don鈥檛 confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It鈥檚 like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you鈥檙e supposed toast the bread first and we can鈥檛 just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I鈥檓 not like other girls, I know when I鈥檓 being irrational. I don鈥檛 let it stop me, but still
professor x: what鈥檚 ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that鈥檚 not a superpower
me:
professor x: where鈥檚 my pen
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 馃槀
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let鈥檚 rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I鈥檓 not hungry
i鈥檓 not worried about WW111 i鈥檝e been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.