Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
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If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Good morning!
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this