Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
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Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
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A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.