Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
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I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!