Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
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daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
some cats are just doing for fun!
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Hell yeah 👍
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I just ran a .003048K
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯