I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
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I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
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My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Noah was an idiot.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
lol
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*