Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
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Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Hard not to take this personally
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”