Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
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Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Bro what is this
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no