Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
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Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.