1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
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My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro itβs LAST words he wonβt-
Executioner: IβM NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Women. Canβt live with em, canβt live without titties.
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: Iβll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo