Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
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Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs