Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
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It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume