[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?