the red hot silly peppers
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*frowns in Scottish*
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too