“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
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My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”