me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
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4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.