Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
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*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
not for long
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.