them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
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Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Just a bush.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I’m giving up ice.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem