A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
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A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
The Assassin.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane