You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
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I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Can’t, holding a grudge
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.