i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
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Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.