I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
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“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Just so funny
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.