Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
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Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Am I having a stroke?
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Breaking news:
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No