If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
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I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
inside you are two wolves
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
car not found
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists