THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
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I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.