dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
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“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.