*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
You Might Also Like
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
peep davidson
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.