Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
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What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.