Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
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How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Hero horse inspires millions
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!