when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
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meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.