Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
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My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
guys I’m going home
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
me when I see my crush
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*